dreams of utopia

hello. i want to blog before I start because of the gazillion ramblings i have in my head.

i love old friends. LOVE. honestly, sincerely, don't you agree that only with people who have had their perceptions of you constantly moulded through the past... 10 yrs, are those who don't really judge you anymore? You no longer worry if they think differently of you when you reveal a secret, everything you say could be truthful and utterly honest. You could just buy one Large ice milk tea at MOS Burger and share from the same straw without wondering if they'll mind.

If this was never mentioned, I wouldn't have realised. They are the only bunch of people who know your whole family, been to your place, one of the few whom you'll never have to hide anything from. There's no pretence, no polite dinner, no painful discussion. I love you guys.

I went back to my ching chong roots today. Our "mother school". For the sake of treasured memories, for the want to grasp whatever physical reminders we could lay our hands on. The school we schooled in was to undergo major renovation, this would be the last Teachers Day looking like that. Students moved on, teachers came and gone, only the vendors remained. The uncle still remembered what we wanted, wow. We walked around our library, reminiscing the days where the shelves were so much taller, the tables were so much larger. We sat in classroom, amazed at how the desks seems so much , as if the physical state of the room actually shrunk. So much have changed, MBS even had a "Alpha Studio" in school where recording actually takes place. But however, the school's ability to produce students with moral values and high achieving quality just seemed to be deterioating. Being the oldest in the bunch of alumni who went back today, we disappointingly only spotted bengs and lians from all sorts of neighbourhood school, fooling around in the basketball court, spotting tattoos and utterly sinful choice of makeup and clothes! Gawd...

I'm happy today. A mental note I made to myself, with absolutely no reference to what I've typed, is that I would never deprived my kid of a quality childhood, with opportunities of monetary value such as overseas school trips and useful education goods. I'll never allow my child to be spoiled, but neither deprived. He just have to be...nicely-privileged, without all the fancy stuff but stuff nice enough.

You know how you'll think things are good enough until better comparism comes along? I am suffering for rocky inferiority complex, swinging like a pendulum from time to time. Envy screams, when some really privileged kid with fantastic clothing sense and utterly gorgeous body whiff by. Once, I believe everything I want, can be achieved through determination and hard means. Now, I don't really think longer legs and bigger chest can be attained that easily.

BUT. Instead of resigning and suss a comment on how you can't change fate. I know that I never used to feel like that when I use to be doing something for my body, my well being. Suddenly, I realised the importance of exercise, intensive heavy amount of jogging that trains my body and mind, of happy endorphins it actually produces. I know that part of my inferiority comes from the lack of exercise, the lack of knowing that I am doing something for myself. Design is life, but I don't have to make Work my life.

There is things I want to do to make myself lead a fuller, meaningful life. When the holidays are here, i will:
1. enquire about tennis lessons me and my brother are seeking actively to take up.
2. make neccessary arrangements and prepare the resources.
3. start running. I used to love it so much.
4. make long term plans of commiting to a volunteer work I enjoy.

My P2's smoother now, things are more straightened out. Still aplenty of projects to run, but things are clearer now. HOLIDAYS ARE COMING~~~~~! I'm so looking forward. Rey's away, which explains the plentiful time to think and be motivated. But i still love you dear. :) Fabian, thank you for being such an inspiration. You remind me of the girl I once knew so well.

I think I have came to a point where I know I am proud and in fact, comfortable with who I am, what values I hold. Perhaps I may be rocked by external factors and environment, of wanting to be fun but shallow-ly leading life. But I know now I love myself for being who I am.