44 days to go

then again.. i changed my mind. what's the point of having a blog when you don't have the intention to air your personal life to others?

This one particular man whose presence weigh a lot of importance in my secondary life spoke to me today. It had been a long time since we last spoken, a long time since he gave me that strange look in his eyes. I knew right from the start that i never want to disappoint him, to give him an A in the subject he teaches me. I don't know why scoring well means so much for him, something i will know only "many moons ahead".

He told me gravely, how from the first I have dropped to the last. He was right. I missed the times where i could argue confidently the facts of biology, the times where I knew so much more than what the green little textbook could provide. He had believed deeply in me, and now it seemed like I am going to disappoint him. But I won't.

Today had been a day where i questioned myself and reflected. I really realised the press for time. People, its 44 days to go! For people like me with too much and too little time, its high time we speed. Enough talking, more actions. I ain't gonna be Miss Nice anymore. I'm just going to isolate myself and do what i can, study on my own if that is what it takes. Social life and interests shall have to take the back seat. Should friendship breaks and dissolve during this test of time, it only shows it lacks true depth. To my friends, i'm sorry if my presence is something you missed and that i cannot forsake now. To this special friend, i'm sorry i don't know anything that has been going on on your life. Looking at you sometimes makes me wonder how much you don't tell me. Looking at you wrench my heart, wondering how you percieve of me as a friend. I wonder if you know who i'm refering to. To my darling, quality time spent not touching books at all is the time i dreamt of spending it with you. Forgive me if i chose not to spend as much time as we use to, its just temporal and a passing phrase.

It takes alot of determination and motivation to start this route i'm going to take. I tried so many times after i fell from grace, so many unsuccesful attempts. But this time it shall not fail, for it is THE LAST 44 DAYS. For two freaking years we have been studying for this freaking exam, no distractions, only the focus for me.

From the bottom of my heart, I really want to do well for this particular teacher. I am sorry, Mr Cho.