i don't know the me I became

read some dear friend post and am feeling really bad right now.
it really wasn't my intention.
thought it through,
i only hope I know what I need to do next...

...

someone i hold alot of respect towards said this yesterday.
"this is how i see it...
you've got this skill.. in a way.. you know what you're doing..
when i was doing product, i'd love for someone who did it already know what he/she was doing to come help,
so i do the same, i know what i'm doing and i would like to practice somemore, it's not about the grades to me, i couldnt careless, it's about what you learn,"

i really have been narrow minded, in pursuing my studies so passionately, i lost my passion towards other unrelated fields.
i cant seem to allow guides/volunteer work/whatever to coexist with schoolwork/design.
looking at friends who am actively involved in other hobbies and activities,
the jealously and enviness washed over me.
what happened on the way?
the past had taught me so much about character and skills,
i used to be so happy having other things to do.

i used to be nicer.
i used to be less selfish.
i used to be more caring.
i used to be less bitchy.
i used to be more sincere.
i used to think even if others are mean to you, you only return with kindness.
i used to love life so much more.
i used to think branded goods are for the insecure.
i used to passionately involved in the community's benefits.
i used to follow and actually like politics.
i used to spend more attention and be genuine to people around me.
i used to be so much more mature than what I am now.
i used to be unafraid to be different, to pursue different purpose from others.
i used to be happier.

the person i respected kinda made me thought how much character I have lost.
in my relentless pursuit for things that perhaps wouldn't matter in the future,
I lost myself. i really did.
i pity the boyfriend who lost the girl he probably loved more.
i pity myself more for losing so much despite winning.
i guess it hits me really hard when the first look of my grades didnt manage to satisfy me more than two hours.
for half a year of struggle, the satisfaction only lasted that much.

i really am not doing any justice to myself.
i ain't happy deep down,
life has become just a routine of cycles.
like steph puts, "we are like hamsters in the wheel."
I am empty.

to whoever, going to church aint going to create a change.
i need to talk to myself first before I can believe i can talk to a "higher power".
i'm glad the holidays are here,
i need to hibernate and find the path i used to trot in. of course its easier said than done,
perhaps i'll start with the love affair I had with the reservoir behind the second home,
and when thoughts are jogged in my mind more,
i will find a way to divide my 24 hours a day to something more purposeful.

in my portfolio of life before, it used to be so much more impressive with the other accolades.