In midst of "Time Traveller's Wife"

i have been so hormonally rocky my fleeting wild thoughts got lost again.
what if i wake up someday when I'm 30, in bed with yet another weird stranger,
and alarmingly realised I was never ever going to get married to someone I truly would like to live my life with.
Someone I knew inside out, someone I actually do love. Just kinda like someone I know, I know.

Would I remember my change as a gradual process or would this one particular breakup be the epitome of change in my life?

If that should happen, does that mean I'd never marry?
Does that mean I stop what I'm lusting for right now and turn myself into the right way?
Or should I just go ahead as planned, as lusted, and hopefully cross my stubby fingers and wish I'd somehow in my shallow, superficial lifestyle, meet Mr. Oh So Right.
If I never do what I really want, I would live to regret. Right?

Faith should be my anchor, so said wise one.
I think so too.
I'm groping my way in the dark, trying to allow it to be more than just Thursdays and Sundays for me.

What if I want to wait,
and no fling would take me?
And those who were serious, rejected because I cannot commit anymore.
And than eventually end up with no one serious, no lover to call mine.
And be one of those whom I used to call "Lao Chu Nu."
What if I'd never know the ecstacy of you know... love making?

I think too much right.
Isn't faith supposed to be trusting and non questioning.
Yes, it is.
Okay, I'm just going to pack my bag and say goodnight.

Goodnight.