Growing Up

You know sometime ago when I gave up on relationship, I thought I grew not to feel anymore. To me that was a greater sign of strength, the weakness long abolished. With that focus, with that ability, I thought it was something to work for the greater.

And so when someone managed to stir some emotions within me, something I grew so foreign to, drifted back.
And compartmentalised-me could feel my head shouting to my heart, conscious yet so sleepy...
NO! I CANNOT FEEL!
I MUSTN'T FEEL!

I knew some time ago, when I gave up on the most special one in my life, I knew that marks the death of genuine relationships, the kind you only get when you were young and in love.The kind of communication that you get each night on the phone, about the silliest of things and the meaningless of motions. The kind that stood free from beyond any deeper connotations, like a best-friend relationship so pure and fun.
I am so not ready for a greater leap.
I cannot. I can't.

So deja vu, like something I had once so long ago.
Somehow in the blatant hints, I saw some similarities to the relationship I had once so long time ago.
Perhaps age has nothing to do with maturity,
but maturity sure has its attractiveness.
Arghs. Whatever.
I'm on the right track, borrow more strength in my logic than anything else.
With so many mistakes in similar situations before, I am so not going to screw myself up all over again.
.
.
.
Yesterday I aged.
I learnt so much, I saw so much.
With all of my energy spent on studying the movement of fashion photography over the past decades,
speaking with lecturer about the greater purpose, the social influences, the prominent figure;
everything I learnt and admire so far kinda dimmed a little yesterday.
No doubt the shoot was fantastic,
but beyond that... What does what I so anxiously desire, holds?

*I love Andrea to death. She was so darn fantastic and an impossibly great help yesterday. Not to say
that I have issues, but I love (and sometimes only rather keep to) working with people I really respect.

Pictures perhaps, up soons.