Consiously Unconscious

I feel suspended in time.
I always feel like I ceased to feel it in my bones anymore, emotions of all kind.
Immense sadness, disappointment, anxiety, frustration, hatred, even euphoric happiness.
It never seeped into me, it never ever felt like it really meant it.
I cry, but it doesn't last long. It doesn't feel like there's a pressing hurt to cry longer than it felt.
It slips out of me, and then I'm feeling like a hypocrite. Like I just didn't mean it.

It's like you're so conscious that you're unconscious.
Everything is habitual,
is a running of formalities,
is the process of just living through it.
Often not, it does not feel like I really wanted to do something,
it was just doing something I somehow ended up performing.
Just that.

Even as I sorely disappointed a certain someone a couple of times today,
I feel sorry, upset, fearful, exasperated.
And yet it doesn't live past a few tears,
I had every vibe and reason to return the anger and throw a tandrum,
and yet I didn't like I was physically in the situation,
just mind-blankly placed awkwardly in there.
It's awfully strange,
this mental-block of some sort.

It feels like you don't think anymore,
because of a certain dependency I tried really hard to abandon.
Its the living your own life, forced to make your own decisions, learn fast to survive in the world.
Consciously and constantly independent, that somehow slipped away when there's someone there to hold your hand.

Perhaps to vocalise my thoughts more often would be a way to fix it.
Or really believing that really, I am pretty much single afterall.
I really do need to run out of this monotonous hum.
Can't afford to offend anymore.