an empty shell

throughout this period of absence, i had considered giving up blogging. too much to do always, so little time to complete. last week had been extremely hectic. apart from bouts of vomiting, sleep deprived nights spent dreaming about studio lighting, work have been overwhelming. I'm just so glad its over and done with.

to say I'm proud of my final 3 shots is misleading. i can't help but feel it was a shallow portrayal to such a deep theme of Abortion. Lighting wise, i could have done so much better. Maybe its just me never being pleased, but i have not succeeded in working under limited resources. I spent a bomb shooting extra films/extra polariods.

Today, I've gobbled a birthday present, a book titled Left Behind. It tells a story of disapperances "in one cataclysmic moment", and "in midst of global chaos", came a dark time for truth seeking, for answers. A Christian take about the Rapture, a frictional novel that is prophecy-based.

But before you guys go grasping and panicking about me believing in it, let me say my piece. What I have gained from the book have pretty much nothing to do with religious nature, it reminded me of the many signs and words I have chose to ignore from my daily life. How sometimes people do not see what surrounds them, nor appreciate what we currently have in life. The main character in the book reflects so much of me, whom have placed work before family, success before humility. In his successful career as a pilot, he lived an empty shell of a man. I have always wanted a life of purpose, a life worth living. But through the way I have been living, I am living for success. It all boils down to that word.

I don't want to be mediocre, therefore my work takes priority. I can't tolerate substandard works, so hence i strive for perfection. I hate wasting time, because every minute waiting is equivalent to something more productive I could have achieved. But everything revolves around schoolwork, there is nothing "productive" beyond that.

I have no answers to the questions I am forcing myself to answer. Only that, blogging gives me a reason to sit down and reflect. When I don't, i get lost in pursuit for material worth. It have been a long while since I have given thought to this. And hence, to choose to give up this, would only drown me in the ways of the world I have been tempted so much with.

It's gonna be a long entry but I shall continue what I wanted to share anyway:

On Friday, I met the bunch of 5Hooligans, what we used to call ourselves when we were a ripe "old" age of 11. What was extremely adorable was that the guys still goofed around like before, while we girls remained pretty reserved and loss for words each time we get disturbed. It seemed like we grew overnight, from kids who were pretty much innocent, to teenagers who smoke like chimmys. So much thoughts flew past my head. How I reacted among them was certainly a stamp of how remote I felt. I couldn't respond, i just felt like I wore another skin upon me. I loved them, and i think i still do, enough for me to plan this whole gathering. It was a boogling experience, sitting on carpets in egyptian restaurant, shouting over odd music and smoking "sensha" (or whatever you call it). It just I can't stop lamenting how much things have changed. I felt that if in my history with this bunch of friends, should I have remained close to a few or even get romantically involved, I seriously wouldn't be who I am right now. Do I appreciate what I am today? I really don't know...

Steph said I've been such a scatter-brain lately. I think so too. So much going on, till I don't even know what to grasp onto anymore. New block on Tuesday, A HUMONGOUS WORKLOAD OF P2 to establish. I promised a "submission" on tuesday, by being brutally honest with YongKin that I haven't got anything despite a 2 week break. And somehow, I got a email by an IMD lecturer saying something about being picked for a project. Dominic seems to be the other VSC people in it. If its for the school, I don't know if i have the drive to do something I no longer believe in. Some sec 4 asked me about TDS last night, I couldn't believe I had more negative things to add than the positive.

Thank you for being so enduring and patient to even sift through this post to read this particular line. I hope you enjoyed your day. :) I'm off for some home-cooked steak, and maybe later I'll post the pictures I so badly want to tell you about.